Life Update | March 2018

It's mind-blowing to me that my last life update was in October. At that point I was due to celebrate my 5th anniversary with my boyfriend, my anxiety and had flared up and I was in a little bit of a mess. Little did I know that things were about to get a hell of a lot worse - my optimism in that post seems alien to me now.

So, we're at the start of March. What has happened since October? Well, at some point between October and December (legitimately, the time frame is muddled in my brain because I think I blocked it out), my anxiety reached it's peak.. and it brought depression along with it. I found myself in a dark hole. I didn't want to leave the house, but I didn't want to stay in. I was having panic attacks by the hour and I have never felt so low. I was in a dark place - I genuinely thought I was going absolutely 'crazy' (I hate that word, but I felt it) and I was going to get locked up by the hospital. Mixed with that, I never wanted to eat - I lost a stone and a half in weight and I was off work for weeks on end. I never ever thought I'd return to work and I thought I was doomed.

Fast forward to Christmas, I was put back on anti depressants - the same ones as before, but double the dose. I started to feel a little better in myself and I was able to go to work for a week before Christmas, which was great because I needed to get out of the house. Christmas itself was okay. It certainly wasn't my favourite and I truly hope that next year is better, but I was still depressed. I felt absolutely nothing inside - no joy, no 'Christmas Spirit' but not necessarily sadness either. Just absolutely empty.

Thankfully, in January things started to pick up a little bit. Getting into the 'work routine' was really beneficial for me. I signed up to CBT through the NHS and I signed up to 'Odeon Limitless' which allowed me to go to the cinema (a peaceful place in my eyes), as much as I would like. The Odeon thing was a big step, I'd gone from never wanting to go out, to actually committing to days/evenings out every now and then. The CBT unfortunately came crashing down - after having my initial consultation I was messed around with appointment times & I haven't had an appointment since. I am probably going to end up paying for counselling/CBT because I still need help - I still suffer with anxiety and panic daily, and I do still get sucked in to the dark hole of depression on a regular basis.

On the bright side of things, I have booked a wonderful weekend away to Dunkirk, Ypres and Bruges with my boyfriend and my family. I've also booked up to go to New York in November - yes, NYC baby! That was a huge step for me, and if you haven't read my post about booking the holiday, you can here. I have also started blogging regularly too, which is great for me because I genuinely enjoy writing so much. I also love e-meeting new people on Twitter and through the Blogging community and it truly has a really positive impact on me. I'm pleased with how my blog looks, and the content I'm putting out.

So, what plans do I have next? Apart from the holidays, I have a great day out booked for Cheltenham Races this month which I am really looking forward to. I love Horse Racing so much, and I think it's going to be extra special because I'll be at the Cheltenham Festival. I am also really enjoying work right now, and the job that I have. I'm always striving to improve in that, so that's really given me something to focus on. I am also hoping to be reunited with my Best Friend soon, who I haven't seen since mid-December. 

I am trying to look at everything with a positive impact, and I'm trying to put positive feelings out only to the Universe. I am determined to make 2018 my year, and to top last summer which, by the way, was the best summer of my life. 


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